Black Forest by Kevin Bowman

I can make your boobs bigger

    So this one time I am at a party...maybe 40 people were there. Mostly all were friends of mine. We were drinking beer & BBQing in the back yard.

   The conversation somehow shifted to boobs. Women were complaining about bras, about men not looking then in the eyes, about the difficulty of running, etc. 

   My friend "Amy" (a pseudonym) chimes in "I don't have that problem", in reference to her self-perceived undersized boobs.

   Amy has great boobs. Not as large as some, but nicer and not undersized. That's when an idea hit me like a lightning bolt...

   "I can make your boobs bigger Amy", I said before I could stop myself. "Shut up Kevin" she replied. "No I really can" I responded. "Fuck you ass hole" she jokingly (I hope) responded. "Seriously, I can make your boobs bigger" I stated with a straight face. "I'll bet you $100".

   At this point the yard was silent. Everyone was listening to see where this was going. "Oh you can huh?" she asked.

   "OK, I'll bet you one dollar. I don't want to take you for a hundred." (Notice how I slickly went down to $1 to reel her in).

   After some thought, she says "Ok Kevin. You have a bet".

   Me: "Ok come inside and lay on your back on the couch". She does and everyone follows, curious where this is going. I lean over her and grab her boobs and begin to squeeze and massage them. Me: "You are going to have to remove your bra". She looks at me suspiciously and complies.

   I proceed to squeeze, rub, basically fondle her chest for 2 or 3 minutes. I then tell her "Ok, sit up". She does. "Do your boobs look bigger?" I ask. "No." she responds.

   "Huh", I mumble, as I pull a dollar out of my pocket and flick it at her.

   The entire party exploded into laughter.

Note:  I instantly went to Amy and apologized. We are close friends and she has a good sense of humor (thankfully). She laughed about it and let me off the hook. I let her keep the dollar.

KSB

Moments we cherish part 2

    So Sunset Night School was not what I expected it to be. It was great! I never considered the fact that everyone there had signed themselves up because they wanted to graduate. That made for a great learning environment. Plus I had a bunch of friends going there too. We had a blast!

   Now this is the moment I wrote this blog for. And it started with a stupid move by me:

   On my first day, at lunch (dinner time more accurately) I did something I never do; I smoked a joint. Dumb idea.

   So my first class after lunch was Government. I showed up just 20-30 seconds late, but late. When I walked in everyone was seated. All attention was on me. I said "What's up?" to my teacher as I walked in. "I don't know. Take off your sunglasses and we will all know," he replied. So I did, revealing my blood-red stoned-ass eyes. I felt so stupid.

   So then the very first thing my teacher asks the class is if anyone knows the preamble to the Constitution for the United States of America.

   Dead silence. No one responded. So I slowly raised my hand. "Do you have a question?" he asked me. I responded with "We the People (of the United States) in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America".

   Dead silence once again. Everyone's jaws were open though in disbelief. (Or fear "Are we supposed to know that?") Except for my teacher, who had a huge smile on his face. What a great moment. He loved me from then on out.

   I did leave out the (of the United States) part though, because it wasn't in the song. Oh, the song!

   The reason I knew the preamble...the reason I STILL know the preamble...a little Saturday morning cartoon called "School House Rocks"! Anyone remember "I'm Just A Bill"? Or "Conjunction Junction"? "Elbow Room"?😎

Moments We Cherish part one

    My senior year of high school was very tumultuous time in my life. And very exciting. I was about to attend Sunset High School: A night school for dropouts and fuckups. Great. 😠

   I digress. My junior year started two years earlier with me transfering to Bonanza High School. I had gone to Western High, with kids that included friends from kindergarten all the way through. I didn't know how lucky I had been.

  Bonanza was a completely different vibe, and I hated it. It was full of uppity, spoiled well-to-do types. I mean instantly you could see the difference. Everyone stood in little groups of 2-3 people, gossiping about everyone else. When I would try talk to a classmate they would look at me like "Who are you to dare speak to me?". And I tend to speak my mind  and love to poke the bear. 😋 But that's another story...

   Anyway, I take school very seriously. I have never struggled in school and have always been among the top students academically. At the end of the first semester I had good grades. A's and B's. And a total of 6 absences, mostly for days I ditched school with girls. I liked girls too. That's when I was informed that I was hereby expelled!

   You see we were allowed 18 absences, but only 5 unexcused. I had 6 total. 6 unexcused. I couldn't believe it. I set up a meeting with the principle to explain that I wanted to go to school, and he still refused to let me stay. I was in shock.

   But you see I was playing in a metal band and I knew I was going to be a rock star so I didn't need school. My plan was to graduate first, but so be it.

   By the time the next school year started I had decided not to go back. "O. T. Factor" was going well and gaining momentum. To top it off, we were running a rehearsal studio renting rooms to 17 bands and making money hand over fist. I was living at the studio and helping run the biz. It was awesome!

   A few months go by and I get a knock on the door. It was my father who hadn't told me he was coming.

   He was working in San Jose, CA setting up and overseeing the poker room at Bay 101. We talked all the time. But my Mom had called him to tell him his son had dropped out of school and living in a warehouse off the strip. Which was basically true. My Dad hopped on a plane,  shocked and justifiably concerned to hear of my irresponsible behavior.

   So I get a knock on my door. When I opened the door and saw my dad I was so excited. "Dad! Come on it" I exclaimed, as I rubbed the cobwebs from my eyes. I wearing a rob, having just got out of the shower (yes we had a shower,2 bathrooms, kitchen, hell we had a Crap table; all in our studio). Plus the band equipment all set up with a sound system and still had plenty of room to have guests. 

   "Are you hungry?" i asked, knowing he could smell the bacon and eggs I was frying up for breakfast. LOL.

   Needless to say, when the shock wore off my father was very relieved by the situation he was walking into. While my mother was 100% right, it was not the desperately low place one would infer by the data given. LOL

   So after breakfast, while drinking the fresh coffee i brewed up, he offered me a deal. If I went back and finished school, he would buy me a car. I love my dad and took the deal. I wanted to graduate.

   The amazing thing was, we went and bought a car that day. He knew I would do what I said, and this way I had a car to get me to school. We found a Chevy El Camino, so I could also move band equipment (in hindsight I do not recommend an El Camino if you plan to use it as a truck. My next car, a Chevette, was much tougher). Good car though.

   So I enrolled in Sunset High School...(TBC)

Great Balls Of Fire!

   Ok, as usual I am going to be blunt. There is a very fascinating point to this story...I think.😕Anyway...

   Long story short, I was eating some chicken fingers, Buffalo style. I got distracted, and I scratched my balls with hot sauce on my fingers.😲😂I felt the burn. It was uncomfortably warm, and a little painful.

   And I got a rock-solid erection!

   When we are young, we get erections whenever our penis decides to. It's out of our control. That's why teenage boys do such stupid stuff. Then, as adults we get erections when we want to; In other words when it's time to use it. 

   As an older man, I have no problem when I'm with a woman. Works just fine. But I don't masterbate very often anymore because it has become more difficult to get excited by myself. If I do start to, I quickly lose interest.

   My point is that a little hot sauce on the balls and bam! I did not know this for I have never had Buffaloed balls before! Just fyi...

KSB

 Friends An adult story

  This was a recent development. I have a "friend" whom we will call Jane. She is pretty, large fake breasts, and we were hanging out a lot. She's single, a stripper, but the funny thing is we mostly cooked meals. Large, yummy meals. She's skinny and didn't eat that much, but likes good food, as do I. I am, of course, less skinny...

  Anyway, one night, after dinjner, we are hanging out and Jane asks me, "So what do you want to do?" Well, I won't use the words I used, but I told her I wanted to have sex with her. Without hesitation she replies, "OK, but you gotta wait a week". 

  I was extremely happy with that response. I didn't ask why the delay...I didn't care. That was a "yes"! Very cool.

  So about a week and a half later we were hanging out, and I brought up the subject. She tells me, "Oh, I was joking". "You know that I wasn't, right?" was my response. "I can't believe that you believed me" she says, while LAUGHING. "That's what friends do. They trust each other" I replied. "I told you we were just friends" she remarks.

  Now that last comment was a couple years ago, when someone else asked us if we were together, and she said we were just friends. And at that time she had a boyfriend. So I'm supposed to know she was "joking" when she said yes?

  "Well I just want to be friends" she says. Now tell me if I was out of line with my next statement: "I have had hundreds of women tell me "no" in my life, and not once did I stop being friends with them for turning me down. You, on the other hand, lied to me and LAUGHED at me for believing you. That's not very friendly".

  We are not friends anymore. And I have a feeling that when my name comes up she probably tells people "He's not friends with me anymore because I won't have sex with him". Oh well...

SAFE WORDS: A true story (adults only)

   You know how some people just exude sex? They can't not be sexy? Well Cindy ( A pseudonym) was one of them. Men and women were attracted to her. Everyone wanted her time. Most wanted her. I was at a friends when she pulled into town; Escaping her troubles in Chicago. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

  She was pretty: Tall, long brown hair, long brown legs. Shifty eyes and a pirate's smile. She looked like trouble for sure. But she was sexy far beyond her looks. I am not a shy man but I couldn't even speak that day. Probably for the best.

  Well it turns out she read me like a book. Cindy was a pretty smart woman, and had outstanding instincts at reading people. We talked a couple times and became friends, or at least friendly acquaintances.

  One day I was at a friends house. He had a small party going on. Maybe a dozen people were there. I saw the front door open and Cindy walked in. She had a blue jean skirt on and a button up blouse that was instead tied in the front. She looked amazing. 

  The stereo was up pretty loud. Too loud to talk. We eventually made eye contact. She mouthed to me "Hi". I mouthed back "wow!". 

  She sat down on the couch. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She knew that too. And without looking at me she managed to spread her legs, revealing her clean-shaven panty-less self to me, with people all around completely oblivious to her performance. She was rubbing herself.

Ok, so now you get an idea of her...style. It turns out, she also has a pretty good sense of humor...

  I have a notoriously demented sense of humor. I can sometimes by fairly funny (though to me I am fricken hilarious all the time). She caught on to that to. Anyway, eventually we got together and had sex a few times. It was very hot. Great marathon sex. A little rougher than I was used to, but very hot.. We were getting dressed and talking one time and she said to me, "You know you don't have to hold back. I could tell you were worried about hurting me...well don't be."

  She was right. I would grab her to keep her still, but was worried about slamming her down or grabbing her to firmly. So she says, "Listen. The next time you see me, wherever we are, whatever we are doing, whenever you want to, grab me and have your way with me. I am giving you permission here and now." "What if there are people around?", I said. "Whatever you are comfortable with. That's up to you." she replied. "Whatever you can get".

  "You will let me do whatever I want?" I asked. "Whatever you can get. I didn't say I would submit. I just said you have my permission," she explained.

  WOW! I have never tried anything like that. Very interesting. But I have heard stories...

  "Ok I think we should have safe words then." I proposed. For those of you who don't know, a safe word allows for the ability to get rough, fight, yell things like "No. Stop. Don't." and it's all part of the game. We can ignore those comments unless someone uses their safe word. That is the only thing that means "stop", in case things go past what one of us finds acceptable. Using your "Safe Word" ends the game.

 So she chooses "Peaches" and I choose "Cream". And we go our separate ways. I am very excited with this situation, having never done anything like this before.

  So a couple mornings later, I get a knock on my door. I open the door and Cindy is standing there. Before I can finish saying "Good morning Ci.." she punches me in the face...HARD. She then turns around, and walking off she utters "Peaches bitch".

To V Or Not To V...

 THAT IS the question. Unfortunately, we are so separated as a society that we can't even begin to discuss virtually any topics without anger and judgement. (Just the way they want us I have no doubt. Divided we fall...)

  I am writing today for myself mostly. To try and sort this out; organize my thoughts. Well, here goes:

  First of all, I know under the laws of our land, that I have the right to decide what goes in my body. I will not waiver from that belief. 

  Is there a reason to be hesitant? Are you kidding me? Of course there is...many. 

Q: What are the long term effects?

A: unknown 

Q: Do any of the vaccines actually work? If so, which ones?

A: I keep finding that people still can catch Covid 19.

If vaccinated people were immune it would be far more enticing, being that it is a vaccine and all...

On a personal note: I have been all over this town more than half of the days of this pandemic. Met with countless people. Been to parties. Even had unprotected sex (meaning no face mask) on many...ok on several occasions. I know people who have gotten sick. I know people who I have been around who had been, unknowingly at the time, recently exposed to Covid 19. Yet I have not been sick. I have not caused anyone to become sick (to the best of my knowledge). Why is that?

  Here is my best deduction:

  If Covid 19 is as easy to spread as they say, then virtually everyone has to have had it. I think what they are overlooking, or ignoring, is that most people who are positive do not get sick. Healthy people don't get tested near as often as the sick do, and without simptums never even know they had it.

  I believe it is extremely likely I have had it and didnt get sick. Example: Athletes (Baseball, Football, Basketball, etc.) They test then for Covid regularly. Many of them come up positive, causing the them to miss games, or even reschedule games, while they quarantine. And virtually none actually get sick. If it wasn't for the mandatory testing, they would never even know they were positive.

  No admittedly we're talking about probably the healthiest specimen group that we could find in professional athletes, but you see my point I hope.

  So am I endangering anyone by not getting the vaccine? If the vaccine works, then they have nothing to worry about. And if it doesn't then why on Earth would I want to get it?

  Ok then, how much trust and faith do I have in the powers that be? Has everyone forgotten that time and time again they have proven that they will say and do anything in order to complete their agenda without regard for their constituents or anyone other than themselves? On the trust issue they get a zero from me. It really doesn't matter if it was conceived or manipulated by humans in the first place because we know that, planned or not, they will still try to make a buck off of it. 

  What really scares me is how quickly people turn on each other and point fingers and blame, seemingly forgetting that in a free country we have a right to choose what we do with our own body.

          

We can't trust our leaders...period.

Ok, here we are. Second week in April. Practicing social distancing and self-semi-quarantining. Trying to do the right thing to "flatten the curve". This invisible monster is everywhere...

   Here is the problem I have with this whole thing. First of all, we know for a fact that we cannot trust our leaders. It's their own fault. They lie and steal and cheat all the way up the ladder. We know this. Now does that mean they are absolutely dastardly enough to cause people to get sick? Innocent people? To die? We would like to think not, but we don't know.

   In fact, history would tell us that they wouldn't hesitate. For money, power, whatever. Let's just say it's possible.

   Number 2: I have been out there, driving around, a bit lately. (side note: It's pretty cool having all that room to drive lol). The hospitals I have driven by have less cars than ever there. I've been told they are just as barron inside. What???

   Now please I am NOT saying there is no pandemic, no virus, nothing. NOT saying that. Just asking some questions. Good ones I think. Remember when we could have discussions in this country without worrying if it offended someone or not? "I'm sorry, but maybe you needed to be offended" (Mike Muir - Suicidal Tendencies).

   Number 3: Why does it scare me that we are told to shut down our businesses (leaving us ailing financially), go home and stay inside (separating us...no groups of ten!!!), That our supplies are limited and some unavailable. That the national guard has been activated and brought in, given assignments. That the Governor quickly banned the sale of hydroxychloroquine the minute that it was revealed that some tests have shown it to effectively fight the virus.

Why does it bother me that they are setting up camps for the infected, like Cashman Field?

   But one thing stands above all of that to me. They closed the LAS VEGAS STRIP. That is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. The kind of money and power the casinos have is unfathomable. This whole town and everything in it is here for them. The police work for them above all. To get them to shut down for even a minute is a dangerous move. That in itself shows how serious the situation is.

   I guess my only point is that something just smells fishy about this whole thing. Anyone have anything to add?

 

This is how it ends? With a whimper?

   I never in my lifetime thought I would see the Las Vegas strip shuttered and closed, dark and empty.

  That's when I knew what I already suspected. We are in trouble. The kind of money behind these monster enterprises does not allow for closures, or even delays when it comes to their business. For this to happen the danger is far greater than we are being led to believe.
   And let's face it. Our leaders are just not reliable. They never have been. They lies are easy to pick out. The dead give away is if they are speaking. It's a tell.
   So here we are self-quarantining to the best of our ability. Watching the number of infected soar past all other countries. This is not going to be over soon. Best case scenario...deep into the fall. And we are all going to catch Covid 19. It's everywhere. I'm guessing 60-80% of us. 
   The mortality rate is climbing as the numbers slowly begin to catch up to reality. It too will be 60-80% I believe.
   I do still have some questions...Are you immune if you beat the virus once? How long can the symptoms last?
   Who knows. So far so good here in my camp. There are 5 of us. Me, my best friend Gabe, Trina, her best friend Tiffany, and Trina's son Deegan. Wish us the best. I will check back with an update soon.

Kevin 

This is a column by Doyle Brunson from 1996, which he dedicated to my dad.

Education

BEGINNER LESSONS

For Jan Bowman: The Theory Of Betting And Calling

This article first appeared in Card Player magazine.

I just learned that Jan Bowman died of lung cancer on June 16. To me, Jan – who engineered and managed the original poker room at Foxwoods and held key management positions in Las Vegas and California – summed up all that is good in the industry.

There are only a handful of people who ever equaled his professionalism and integrity. I say equaled, because no one will ever surpass it. His wife, Renee, told me their first date was to attend my seminar at the Bingo Palace (now Palace Station) in Las Vegas. Despite this questionable first night out, their marriage flourished and they became an institution as a poker couple. In fact, John Sutton – one of America’s premier card-club executives – recently named his baby after them. She is Jan Renee Sutton.

Jan was 55. Today’s column is dedicated to him.

Teaching Ruth. OK, it’s about 10 years ago. A poker player in his late twenties wants me to join him and his girlfriend for coffee. I tell this guy, Wilson, I’m headed home to my computer because I’m eager to see the results of some seven-card stud research I’ve left running.

Wilson walks toward the casino restaurant with his just-turned-21 girlfriend, Ruth, clinging tightly to his arm. Refusing to accept my excuse, he motions me to tag along. Seeing no diplomatic way out, I follow and soon find myself seated in a booth, squirming in boredom as he attempts to explain poker strategy to Ruth. Thus occurred just one of perhaps a dozen similar incidents I’ve experienced over the past 20 years.

Getting engaged the right way. Again and again, he pauses to seek my approval of what he was saying, hoping my briefly nodded reinforcement would impress Ruth. Unfortunately, she seems completely uninterested and several times tries to steer the subject away from poker.

About five minutes into his monologue, she excuses herself and heads for the ladies’ room. And while she is gone, he explains, "We’re thinking of getting ourselves engaged, but first I need to know she’s going to be able to understand how poker theory works."

"Good idea," I say, though truthfully I have no idea at all what he meant. By pretending to motion for more coffee, I skillfully avoid posing a follow-up question and hearing the clarification I have no interest in. Ruth returns. Now, none of this would have stuck in my mind had it not been for Wilson’s concluding statement, which will serve as the basis for today’s discussion. He seems suddenly on a roll, driving home point after point, and Ruth even nods in mild agreement, caught up in his enthusiasm. Then he says, "The most important thing is this…" and here he leans toward her to make sure she grasps the importance, "…every time someone bets and someone else calls, well, someone made a big mistake. They can’t both be right."

Wilson looks to me for support, but all I can say truthfully is, "That’s a very interesting way you phrased it," hoping somehow that he misinterprets this as an endorsement. In fact, his statement reflects a belief held by millions of poker players worldwide. And the belief is just plain stupid. Here’s why.

It’s only even money. Every bet against a single opponent offers exactly even money for the call itself. Pot odds are a different measurement, weighing the size of the whole pot, including the last bet, against the cost of the call. Pot odds – in conjunction with other factors – should be used to determine whether a call is worthwhile.

But because a bet and a call provides your opponent only even money, that exchange in itself can be profitable for you, while the call itself – considering the whole pot and pot odds – can be profitable for your opponent.

Repeating: You can be correct to bet and your opponent can be correct to call. Let’s say the pot is 20 times bigger than the betting limit. You’re a 2-to-1 favorite to win. You should bet and offer your opponent a chance to call at even money.. He’ll probably accept – even though he may know he’s a 2-to-1 underdog – and his call will be correct. But your bet is correct also!

How to think about poker. Here’s the point, and it should be the way you always think about poker: What was already in the pot is, in one sense, irrelevant to the bettor as long as he has an advantage on the current bet and call.. If the opponent accepts even money on the last bet and is a 2-1 underdog, the bettor has the advantage on that bet and thereby gains something.

He would have cost himself that gain by checking and letting his opponent off free. But although the pot size is not relevant to the bettor (for this specific purpose), it is very relevant to the caller. Here, the caller sees himself as a 2-1 underdog, but is getting more than 20-to-1 odds. He simply must call.

The truth about poker pots in limit games is that most calls will lose, yet most calls are correct. It is a horrible mistake to call or not call based on whether you think you have the best hand. Simplistically, the only consideration should be what your chances of having the best hand are, weighed against the size of the pot. As we investigate the more complex aspects of this bet-and-call interaction, the consideration becomes what the chances of winning are, measured against the total projected cost of continuing to play and the final probable size of the pot.

But, however you figure it – simple or complex – you should usually call and expect to lose. And, if you do lose, don’t feel bad – you’re sailing on a money-making course. The few times you call and win will overwhelm all those losses.

Eisenhower warned us...

  "In the counsils of government we must guard against the aquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disasterous rise of misplaced power exsists and will persist.
  We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes."

Dwight D. Eisenhower in his final address to the nation as President.

Black Forest

"Black Forest"

Written by & all guitars played by Kevin Bowman

Drums & All percussion by Kevin Tutaj

(Guitars recorded & mixed by Joey Ayoub @ The Sound Salon, Hollywood, CA)

The cat is out of the bag...

(I wrote this a few years ago while very angry and very drunk, but it's a great place to start;)

I am going to make this really simple and easy to understand. Please pay attention. The following are facts that you may not know:



1)There are thousands of religions on this planet, all different. So that means it is only possible for one of them to be correct. With me so far? NONE of them are! Quit being so vain and cowardly, acting like we are Gods when we are only 7,000 thousand years old and worthless.


2)The most dangerous and most horrifying threats to mankind are: Corporations, religion, government and ourselves. Are you really to stupid to see that? Baaah!!


3)There is no right or wrong, good or evil, heaven or hell...Just survival of the fittest. We make rules like thou shalt not kill because most of us do not want to allow it and it makes us stronger as a race, but it is not evil or sinful. It is just ...well...a felony.


4)We are a virus! We kill, butcher, devour, defecate, litter, waist, vandalize, and reproduce. We are a cancer on Mother Nature's breast and she WILL remove it before it spreads and consumes her. We are not immortal or holy or even nice.


5)Everything is poisonous if you overdose on it. Drugs are drugs, legal or illegal. You take a chance every time you partake. They need to be legal, all of them. Regulated, taxed, and controlled. We all have different tastes and need to get them from somewhere other than the streets. Drugs are not the problem: The lazy, spoiled dealers who have too much time and money on there hands are.


6)Most people are never going to find a perfect partner. Nature never intended for us to be monogamous to one person. You need to be happy with yourself, by yourself, and if you find a partner I wish you the best, but we are not all gonna find one and many of us don't want to. (Emily and I are going on 6 yrs now, lol)


7)Sex is good;Sex is healthy;Sex is fun with your spouse, with your friend, with a stranger. It is not some secret treasure to be held under lock down for some prince. It is NOT wrong to do it and is nobodies business but yours. To wait til you are married, or to not do it when you are horny because someone told you it's wrong is moronic.Find someone hot, use a condom, and fuck.


8)Prostitution is unavoidable and important to peace of mind. It should be legal and reputable, and thereby much safer and cleaner.


9)Capitalism is a failure. It is better than most systems, but very much a failure because money makes money and then combines into mega-corps and crushes all in it's way.


10)We are all created equal?!?! That is the stupidest statement I have ever heared. Shaq & Me? Einstein & Marilyn? We are all different in many many ways. That is what we must embrace. No peoples are evil or stupid because of their skin or their geography, but no people are exempt from having members who are. When the shit hits the fan, cultures will flock to their own kind and we will be divided as a country if we cannot communicate with each other. We are in deep deep trouble...


These are facts people, regardless of how hard you try not to see it, and how badly the truth scares you. Ignorance is bliss(I hear).

GWAR for those who do not know...

 This is going to sound completely insane, I know. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it for myself...

   I went to the huntridge one night in the 90's to see GWAR. I didn't know what to expect. Some guys in costumes pretending to be a punk band. This should be dumb.

   The first thing my buddy Gabe, my drummer Joey & I noticed is everyone going inside was 15 years old (aprox). The second was they were all wearing plain white tee-shirts. Ok, this is going to be messy...

   We very wisely chose seats in the back of the general admission auditorium. Then GWAR took the stage. Now keep in mind, this is a show. None of this is real, but let me tell you a little about GWAR. The "Scumdogs of the Universe" (one of the monikers they use) are alien pirate crackhead trisexual borderline rapist criminal holigan slave owners who are going to conquer Earth whenever they get bored with laughing at our ineptitudes. The band wears oversized costumes made of some kind of foam rubber so they appear 9 or 10 feet tall (one even wears stilts for effect) The stage is littered with props, mostly foam rubber. Things like swords, guns,  shields, etc.

   Also GWAR has a plethora of slaves. They are actually stagehands, which are imperative to a production as epic as this one. Except these servants walk around in rags, some resembling diapers. At any given moment a GWAR member may reach over and slap one of them to the ground. After which the slave will get back up and continue on with whatever they may be doing at the time. They are treated badly in various ways as the evening continues.

   The first song offered up is called "Penguin Attack". During said song, GWAR was attacked by...well, penguins. One of which was at least 12 feet tall. The offensive was quickly thwarted, finalised by the decapitation of the big bird. But instead of falling lifelessly to the ground, from the water fowl's neck sprouted a huge stream of blood resembling the stream from a fire house. For the rest of the song (3 or 4 minutes) the dying duck stumbled around the stage, soaking anybody and anything within 40 feet of the stage in blood (actually water with red dye). We were speechless...

   Other events this evening included a huge crack pipe being passed around amoungest the Scumdogs, the accosting, molesting & eventual dismemberment of a Jean Beniot Ramsey lookalike, and sexual assault of one slave who was forced to manually ejaculate the lead singer's (Oderus Urungus) huge penis (it was a prop..i think, lol).

   Also, it turns out, the show had a storyline. GWAR, our heroes (WHAT?!?!) were constantly fighting off the evil Techmo-Destructo (A man with a chainsaw for an arm, a metal patch on one eye, and a bad attitude). Just when it appeared that Techmo had been defeated, a beautiful half snake/half woman slithered out on stage. She was topless, with bodypaint on her chest (Yes, she really was) and from her hips down she was serpentine. Slimenstra I believe was her name. All of the music to this point was great, in my opinion, but she sang a showstopper that was outstanding- a caberet type ballad that was titled "I don't need a man", but pleaded exactly the oppisite.

   Well, it worked. Our leader Oderus fell prey to the seductress. Once he was in her grasp, the show came to an end with Slimenstra opening her vagina an sucking him into it, and instantly defecating his remains as what resembled ground beef coming from the meatgrinder (I think they used actual ground meat, but not sure).

   None of us had spoken for over an hour, just trying to digest what we were seeing.

   At this point the lights came on, the band came back out, including Oderus (It's a miracle!) and they performed an encore finale, during which they invited all the younger fans (75% of the 4 or 5 hundred in attendance) to come onstage & fall through the vagi...I mean meatgrinder. Many dozen willingly fell, stepped or dove into the machine, which kept a steady stream of ground meat coming out the other side. (Ok, what really was happening is kids were walking up some stairs, lined with all those slaves to keep everyone safe, and they would go through a trap door which was a very cool slide that curled around and dropped them backstage. No one was injured and everyone was glowing with pride at being part of the show).

   All of kids were now wearing tye-died looking shirts, because those white tee shirts were now multicolered, having been stained with blood, urine, semen, mud and whatever other liquids were spewed that day from the stage (Again, for those of you who are a little slow...all were dyed water). So in effect, they all had free GWAR concert tee shirts.

   Friends, I have been to hundreds of concerts, and played hundreds more. This was the best, most surprisingly entertaining extravaganza I have ever witnessed. It was genius...nothing less. Dave Brokie plays Oderus, and is the mastermind of this and all things GWAR. If you have ever seen him interviewed it is almost always as Oderus, and he NEVER strays from his character. He answers as Oderus and never admits to any acting or props. He constantly laughs and scoffs at humans and how horribly destructive we are to our planet, our society and ourselves. Some people just don't get it (Joan Rivers) and continually try to get him to explain, and that's where the real hilarity lies...There is not part of GWAR that any normally functioning human should ever believe. Every part is exagerated, overblown, characterized and to have to explain that is so absurd that it is actually scary. Brokie is a genius.

   But when I say is, I mean was...he passed away March 23rd 2014 at the age of fifty, one year before GWAR would have celebrated their 30th year. I don't think I have ever been so saddened by the passing of a someone I never met since Cliff. If you never saw GWAR, you never will. RIP & thanks dickhead.

MENACE - I Live With Your Ghost (Official Music Video)

This is the new video for the opening track of n exciting new project from Mitch Harris of Napalm Death, who happens to also be a friend of many of us here in Las Vegas his hometown. The band is called Menace and the disc is "Impact Velocity". It's an outstanding disc with much more polished sound that will likely reach a much more broad audience while also supporting some good causes & artists. Check it out!!!

Be Careful What You Wish For Americans...(part 3)

You, the American people, you, my friend & neighbor, YOU the one reading this blog...

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

   As a race, we humans possess truly amazing problem solving skills. That is probably the trait most responsible for our successful climb to the top of the food chain. Any problem that comes our way, we solve it, stop it, start it...go over, around, through, or under it...we beat it, cheat it or kill it. Whatever it takes.

Correction!

   It is amazing how many things that they taught me in school have since turned out to be wrong. Pluto is not a planet now. The "food pyramid" has been proven very faulty. The famous Brontosaurus never even existed. It turns out they had the head on the wrong body (they think). Of course the T-Rex has changed a lot too. It used to stand straight up and moved pretty slowly in comparison to today's more accurate version. I don't know if I buy the whole "ROAR" thing, but I'll give 'em that one.

Be Careful What You Wish For Americans...(part 2)

You, the American people, you, my friend & neighbor, YOU the one reading this blog...